There are quite a number of articles out there on “assertion vs aggression.” This is my new fave: http://www.the-triton.com/megayachtnews/index.php?news=2291
Not aggressive, not submissive: Be assertive to solve problems
January 31,2008 By Don Grimme
We have discussed various ways to deal with difficult people based on the foundation of two fundamental skills: active listening and assertion. And we’ve alluded to the importance of asserting yourself in the context of teamwork, harassment, job burnout, and attitude.
So let’s explore this critical skill of assertion in greater depth.
We’ve seen several definitions of assertion over the years. This one is our favorite:
“Assertion is speaking honestly about your thoughts, feelings and desires, while considering those of others.” In essence, it’s your right to say “This is what I think/feel/want” and, at least implicitly, to ask “How about you?”
Sounds pretty good. Behaving through honesty and respecting yourself and others. Considering its inherent uncontroversial virtues, it’s puzzling more people are not assertive.
Assertion takes responsibility for solving interpersonal problems through straightforward action and communication. When you assert, you take responsibility, you solve problems, and you are straightforward (rather than underhanded or devious).
The following definition is perhaps the most common, but our least favorite:
“Assertion is a way of acting that strikes a balance between two extremes: aggression and submission.”
Assertion really is an alternative to two sides of the same coin: aggression and submission. In fact, aggression or submission are consequences of not being assertive.
Assertion allows us to express ourselves honestly, consider how others feel, feel good about ourselves, take responsibility, negotiate productively, and go for a win-win resolution.
These are all obvious virtues and positive values. So, why aren’t many of us assertive more often? The most prevalent reason is fear of rejection or disapproval. This is not an irrational fear. In fact, some people may not like us when we are asserting.
Being at peace with that disapproval requires pretty healthy self-esteem. And an essential ingredient to building one’s self-esteem is assertion. The more often we express ourselves honestly, the better we feel about ourselves.
A word of warning: Assertion is not a guarantee that you will get results.
While there is no such guarantee, assertion stands a far better chance of getting those results than aggression or submission, at least in the long run and without the negative backlash inherent in those alternatives.
You have come up with a new, streamlined procedure and show it to a co-worker before showing it to your boss. The next day, your boss announces that the new procedure created by your co-worker will now be the standard for the organization. How would you respond: submissively, aggressively or assertively?
Here’s how you can be assertive:
1. When appropriate, establish a mutually agreeable time and place to assert your needs.
2. Describe behavior objectively, without judging or devaluing. For example: I felt upset and angry when you took my idea and presented it as your own.
3. Describe behavior clearly, specifying time, place and frequency. Don’t be general and say something like “Why do you always do that?”
4. Express feelings calmly and directly.
5. Confine your response to the specific problem behavior, not the whole person. Don’t call him/her an inconsiderate jerk.
6. Be aware of your need for approval or acceptance.
Obviously, saying or doing nothing would be submissive. So would whining: that’s manipulative. Lashing out in anger, threatening your co-worker, using profanity or impugning his/her character would be aggressive. Plotting revenge and malicious gossiping are passive-aggressive.
To be assertive, you could speak with your co-worker immediately after the meeting, expressing whatever emotion you feel, reminding your co-worker that you created the procedure, inquiring whether he or she agrees and why he or she took credit, and firmly requesting that the co-worker promptly go to the boss (with or without you) and state the truth of the matter.
Be sure to give your co-worker the opportunity to respond to your inquiries. It is possible that s/he did give you credit for the idea and the boss was mistaken in the attribution.
If your co-worker denies that it really was your idea and/or declines to tell the boss the truth, assertion would then entail that you speak with the boss and simply state what really happened (expressing the emotion you feel but without character assassination).
Don Grimme is co-founder of GHR Training Solutions in Coral Springs, Fla. He specializes in helping managers reduce turnover and attract excellent job candidates. Comments on this story are welcome at dgrimme@comcast.net .
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